I love singing this hymn, and I’m always optimistic that I will go where God wants me, I will listen for God’s call, and I will be ready whenever I’m needed. But will I?
I used to (and sometimes still do) talk a lot about what a whiner Moses was. God literally saved his life, brought him to a place where he could speak truth to power, and instead of doing something he ran away. Then, God talked to him through flaming shrubbery, but he still whined about how ill-equipped he was to speak. God said something along the lines of – “I got this, just let me do the talking.” And Moses whined some more until God gave him Aaron to help him speak.
Whenever I recount this story, I pridefully think that if God was that obvious with me, I’d be better. But would I? The truth is I wouldn’t. I was always so prepared with reasons I should avoid doing anything that was too scary, too uncomfortable, or too much work, that my Dad asked me if I wrote the book of excuses.
Recently while digging through journals, I found a prayer I wrote. It’s on its way to becoming a song – one that feels more honest about the state of my heart than the lyrics of “Here I am, Lord.” It’s also some fairly solid proof I’m a bit more like Moses than I like to admit.
Please send someone else.
Please do something else.
Please BE SOMEONE ELSE.
It’s hard to surrender MY will to yours.
Help me let go of what I want and cling to what you want.
Help me be YOU to and for others.
I don’t want everything to change!
I DO want everything to change!
I can’t do this much longer, I’m in turmoil.
Bring me peace. Calm my fears.
My dad was right. I do have lots of excuses to get out of things that are scary, hard, or uncomfortable. I should give Moses a break. Perhaps the reason I get so annoyed with him is because I see what I don’t like about myself in his story. The good thing is that Moses did eventually do what God asked. It might have been decades later than it could have been, but the job got done. So – I’ll do what God wants, I’ll listen and let God lead me. But, maybe I don’t have to do it right now. Maybe I can wait a few more years and see what happens – you know, in case it’s too hard, or scary, or uncomfortable.
Thank you for putting up with us and all our excuses. May we be able to discern what is best, and pure, and holy. And may we be filled with the peace, wisdom, and strength to move when we are called, instead of letting fear keep us from going where you’re leading us.